You See, No One Ever Called Me Darling Before

Bette Davis' magnificently delivered line in Dark Voyage is powerful because it is universal, this need to be loved. It is the desire which pervades all mens' hearts, no matter our age and no matter our status. And it is this need for which we, as Gays and Lesbians, continue to fight for our equal right to love and be loved by whom our hearts choose.

It's a lovely fallacy propagated by dangerous, religious right-wing extremists to declare that everyone chooses to be Gay or Lesbian. 

I suppose there may be a few iconoclasts whom toy with the idea of making sexuality a choice in order to shock their parents or peers, perhaps a tactic of some few rebellious youth; but in the end it is the heart which wins out for nearly all of us. The heart rarely chooses the individual person it loves, nor the gender of it's desire, I assure you. Rather, the heart simply and suddenly understands it is in love, and the gender of it's object of ardor is an ingrained biological predetermination, so very far from any sort of ideological selection.

I ask my heterosexual friends when they decided to be in love with their opposite sex partner and forego involvement with someone of their own gender. Not one has told me they ever made a choice, rather their biological preference simply was and is. Even those whom admit to a deep love of a member of their own sex find it does not translate, with rare exception, to a desire for any sexual expression of those feelings. Rather, most have told me that for them such an physical expression would harm their deeply valued platonic love. 

As a Gay man I can no more imagine making physical love to a woman that I can imagine sexual intercourse with a tree. (And, yes, I'm a tree hugger, too!) But, my ardor of and for the noble long lived old growth sequoia stops far short of coitus and a marriage proposal - despite what anti-gay bigots would have you believe of me and my Gay brothers and sisters! Nor does my deep fondness for my Chartreux in anyway construe that I shall be proposing nuptials to either Bouvier or Athenais - despite my regard for their intellects being far superior to that of Mr. Huckabee and David Duke or the likes of certain men of the cloth - whether they're residing at Vatican City or the compound of the Phelps' Clan!

The Old Testament, the source of  these mens 'truth' for my supposed 'abomination' of lying with a man, and which seems to robustly condemn me, also decries eating shellfish and laboring upon the Sabbath. Yet, I, along with the majority of the world, see the ludicrous nature of these latter prohibitions. Why, then, do so many so-called Christians cling to the former precept without question and with such passionate jubilation that their abhoration of same sex relationships seems to be supported Bibically? Well, certainly a number of these sectarian zealots are enamored, and what more, needful, of this Old Testament passage. This archaic dogmatic morsel, individually selected from amongst numerous prohibitions, (like an eye for an eye which promulgated violence) must no longer be given validity, for it allows radical bigots to override, as if with Divine authority, the actual present Word of God in the New Testament! God our Father's Word, brought to us by Christ, His Son, to specifically replace the Old Testament and its fallacies has the specific purpose of disallowing violence and hatred as legitimate - yet in the agenda of right-wing extemists it still allows wrongful  justification for their deep abiding hatred of those of us whom they cannot accept or tolerate. They feel excused, and excused by God Himself, to pursue their self-indulgent crusade against our loving relationships.

This is an adopted prejudice ignorant both of Jesus Christ's message that the old laws are concluded and discharged, as well as dangerous to our spiritual life. Likewise, they revel in the harmful conceit of being illiterate of the scholarship of both theologians and historians (such as John Boswell, whose work Christianity, Homosexuality and Christian Tolerance, gives ample examples of the early Church not only tolerating but indeed blessing same sex unions); whose work provides a broad and complex range of early Classical documentation that same sex relationships were a normal part of Roman, Greek and early Christian societies. Not until 325 AD when the Nicene, or First Vatican Council - established at the forefront of the Dark Ages - when lost, or perhaps deliberately hidden from the broader world, were great accumulations of knowledge: of science, theology, astronomy, physics, philosophy, art and literature, medicine, and even plumbing - were our same sex unions uniformly found to be dangerous. Why? At least in part one must swiftly and deliberately promulgate the desperate need of the Faithful to produce offspring raised in the new religion. A decisive ploy to gain political and economic dominion as the educated old order collapsed and new generations, deprived of the choices of knowledge, were indoctrinated in the new universal, or catholic, 'truthes'.

Yes, those same sex relationships were vastly different than those we accept today regarding couples of the same gender;  yet, what is too often overlooked is that marriage in general was equally far different for heterosexuals in our early civilization. Love was never the basis of such contracts between men and women, rather economics and idealogues were the deciding factor for unions. Marriages were based almost exclusively upon the financial and social benefits of these contracts. If a couple were exceedingly blessed, perhaps a certain love and mutual respect were garnered by the pair over time. More often, it was to those of the time justifiably a matter of the acquisition of wealth and political alliance, (and certainly faith, too, became political) all to further the extended families foothold in a fragile world of treacherous partisan intrigue and literal cut-throat domination. 

This state of marriage remained the norm well into the beginning of the twentieth century, until at last, the idea of happiness in marriage slowly overcame the need to combine family names and fortunes to protect and build empty wealth and power. Yes, it surely still happens - it makes for marvelous drama in film and gossip rags; but overall Western couples now realize that what makes life genuinely wealthy is a loving union between two persons. Two lovers whom become each others primary helpmates and mutual source of joy, their solace and strength, both spiritually, emotionally and physically. 

It cannot be too difficult, then, to extrapolate that these most basic human needs are just as vital for same sex couples as for opposite. It is more than understandable that for most of us foraging through life without the immediate love and support of one other person is the greatest loss one can imagine. Whom, then, is benefited by denying this most basic need to be loved and to love, and further to refute our ability to legally protect this love in all ways afforded by law?

It is not the State. It is already being shown that the legal commitment in civil marriage by same sex couples carries the exact same benefits for society that opposite sex marriage does - it stabilizes individuals and enables them to produce economically, benefitting the community financially as a whole; as well as developing responsibility towards community well being through social involvement and the giving of time and expertise to those whom are less fortunate. And, as marriage reflects God's love for each of us, oursame sex unions provides a spiritual platform for growth and well being.

The churches, Christian, Muslim, Buddist and all, still have in their minds a legitimate need to control whom we love, and for much the same reason. They still desire to propagate their religious beliefs in order to find some authority of what the majority believe - and still they wish to swell the ranks with children whom believe. Unfortunately, it seems to me it is less and less about the child receiving grace and the knowledge of his or her parents' God, but about controlling the thought of we, the masses; as if some new Holy War, a new Crusade, must be fought with the sword -- or rather high powered automatic weapons and nuclear bombs. Or passenger planes.

How Christ - and Allah - must abhor this way of thinking! Surely it is through His own avocation of loving each other, even our enemies (for it's usually easy to love those whom agree with us); of helping one another, even upon the Sabbath (because loving human beings is far more honorable to God than maintaining a ritual in His honor); of turning away from revenge, even if our own cheek is then exposed; not out of fear but because you witness that God is within even the man whom injures you. 

Is it the family, then, that is injured by same sex marriage? This is certainly the cry of many of those whom are rooted in their opposition to our civil recognition. Yet, this too, is proven not to be the case. I know of not one family which has been harmed by my marriage to my spouse, Mark. In fact, Mark's marriages with previous female partners failed long before I knew him. They all failed in part because Mark lived a pretense in these marriages - they were ordained not so much out of love but as a shield against societal disapproval of his same sex attraction. Yet, his same sex attraction continued, and ultimately caused the demise, at least in part, of these marriages. Would it have not been better for all concerned if Mark had had an option to openly be Gay? What if the rejection of same sex unions been repudiated as ludicrous and deeply damaging prior to these commitments falsely based on sexual sameness? Much pain for all could have ben avoided.

 

Likewise, would my own inability to settle with one man, to end a futile search for intimacy in so many varied sexual encounters, have ended far sooner had I been given the hope, far earlier, that I too, might have known the promise of a loving and lasting marriage to a person of my own sex? It is this distinct societal disapproval of my attraction to my own sex, an attraction inborn and unchosen, which led so often to my despair of finding peace and acceptance by my peers and society. What if, instead of a secret half-life, I'd dared bring out of the closet my God given genetic attraction for those of my own sex, and fully lived this truth, refusing to fear others disapproval and reprisals?

Ah, there's no tarot card reading which can answer my question,  no old woman with a crystal ball - only the precedence of experience, as recorded by others, of how being true to one's own self is the path to peace. It is God whom I thank, and my dear Mark, for the proof that living openly now as I have been created is the constant of my happiness. No, it is not easy to live openly, exposed to being hated, it is not heart warming to be despised, even by some few misguided souls. Yet, how much better it is to endure all the inevitable backlash and hostility, revulsion, animosity and disgust I do so often encounter in weak, hate-filled men, knowing that I am loved and supported by at least one man, my husband, Mark. It is a most basic human need to be loved and to love in return.

And, it is this Truth that eventually shall exonerate me of all inadequate doctrine deployed against my love of Mark. I know in God's eye, I am already living His Truth, to the best of my ability. Do not misunderstand me, I'm not without failure! I am still very much a human being, flawed and a sinner; but in this one choice of loving myself for the Gay man I am, the Gay man whom God created and whom He loves, I have chosen wisely. I will not hide my light beneath a bushel basket, nor bury my talents beneath the ground. I choose to live openly, in love with my dear spouse, for all to witness. It is, after all, my calling. God has gifted me with this sexuality, and it is a precious gift. I know He calls me to show that His gift does not devalue me, nor Mark; or the thousands of  Gay and Lesbian family members we hold in our hearts. Rather, it is Christ's challenge both to me and to Mark, as well as to His many faithful believers, to open our minds and hearts to each Gay and Lesbian person whom comes into our lives, to see each of us as a blessing, a peer and an equal before God and before our civil law. 

This, then, is a most clear and definite call to all of us men and women of God to ACT to restore and preserve a place at God's table in our churches and temples for all our Gay and Lesbian family. And without a single doubt, it is a call to all of us men and women of a free and Democratic society to ACT to insure the civil equality of each of our Gay and Lesbian fellow citizens before our United States Constitution. 

So, if you're along for the ride of the this dark voyage, I'm fiercely recommending that having the stars is NOT enough, we've got to take the moon along, too. 

Heath Ledger

What can anyone say, and how can one even get it out, it chokes at you and you have to brush back the tears, the anger and rage, the stupefied dismay that someone with all the promise and brilliance of Mr. Ledger is somehow just gone. It smacks of unfairness, of a world gone mad and in it's own way is as earth shattering as the twin towers collapsing. 

It can't have really happened. He can't be dead. So many of my hopes were pinned to this young man's talent, his ability to inhabit the skins of others for us, to take us blithely and care-freely out of ourselves for some few hours in his medium of actor. 

There are few artists whom ever reach our souls, those few genuine talents whom give everything in order to grant us, their audiences, a powerful picture of some aspect of ourselves. They find the Everyman in their characters, and their gift is to allow us to see some part of our own foibles and triumphs in their personifications. I saw myself in Ennis Del Mar, perhaps expectedly; but also without warning in his Casanova; and that was Heath's gift to each of us. My heart was wrenched apart when Ennis clutched Jack's shirt in Brokeback Mountain, and his Casanova made me imagine even I, too, could be such a flight of fancy, elegance, sophistication and desire. 

The sharp pain I feel is uncharted, unexplainable. I didn't know this man, only his characters. I've no claim to my grief for him, really - yet his death, like only a few others, has made me feel the world has changed again, stepping too, too close to unfathomable darkness. A light has gone out too soon. A star imploded. The black hole of his wake is still devouring my hope and faith.

Homophobia Rampant

The news is always filled with disturbing examples of the hatred instigated and perpetuated by those whom believe that Gays and Lesbians are less than human. The latest example comes from Tucson, Arizona where 27 year old Melissa Arrington has been sentenced to ten and one half years imprisonment for a negligent homicide charge. Arrington, driving under the influence of alcohol, ran over and killed a Frenchman, L'Ecuyer, 45, a cyclist on December 1, 2006. The judge in the case had the leeway to limit incarceration to as little as four years. However, it was a monitored telephone conversation from jail which prompted the almost maximum sentence.

Arrington was recorded, a week after the death, laughing that she had done the world a service by killing a "tree hugger, a bicyclist, a Frenchman and a gay guy all in one shot."

Superior Court Judge Michael Cruikshank said the statement was "breathtaking in its inhumanity" and that the callousness and lack of remorse deserved to be taken into account in sentencing. 

The only problem is that Arrington is only one of millions whom believe that L'Ecuyer's murder is somehow, if not justified, certainly of no consequence. Where do these people garner such attitudes towards other human beings? We know at least in part they are fostered by our own Churches. The Vatican's statement that Gays and Lesbians are "intrinsically evil" must be viewed as a legitimate source of deliberate homophobia, a real attempt to influence millions of faithful that those of us whom are born homosexual are of lesser value, of NO merit, and only a source of corruption in the world.

They are also reflected in much of our media; Heath Ledger's death being exploited by Fox News', John Gibson, as a source of amusement - and Mr. Ledger only played a Gay man. Gibson remarked: "Well, he found out how to quit you." 

( www.afterelton.com/bgwe/1-25-08 )

I wish we could find a way to quit homophobia.

Dieux du Hommes

Men, men, men! I love men - in suits, in the buff, classical or contemporary - each has an often apparent appeal. The images I've chosen to show, though, are of men whom have something more than the surface to show. Even if a glossy facade is what is most apparent. There's always something deeper, something more...

From the Ancients adoration to our immortalization of the men of today, male beauty has been preserved in marble and wood, oil and canvas, in the written word and of course through photography. Here are just a few images of sensuality I've collected which offer a glimpse of men as gods.

A Royal Flush

The sweetest pair of Chartreux in the world belong to me! Take a look at these adorable baby cats, they make our lives worth living!

The Life of Reilly?

Well,, today, as suggested by my therapist for so long, I actually took the initiative to leave the apartent for severla, five actually, hours today. I've appaently become so isolated in my fear of people that I must now practice going out and about by myself.

So, I asked Mark if he'd be OK of I was gone part of the day, and Spencer (our Rover) and I hit the road. No great adventure ensued, we went by several antique and fabric shops, over in the La Brea area and saw any multiple of things I could not afford to buy! But window shopping still got me out and that

s the key.

My panic attacks have come more and more frequently and indeed, they set on me today twice - but they were mild enough for me to work through them. And that was a big thing for old me, not turning the car around and coming home. So, I succeeded, at least a little! Three cheers pour moi! A Touts la Glories de la France; pardon, non, un moment: ... de la MOI!

I did have my second serious fall within two years - the last was over a year go in NYC - and under the same circumstance: inclement weather! NYC was invisible ice on the sidewalk - I just went zoom zoom into the air and landed full force upon my left hip. Today's calamity was the drenched sidewalk before Liz's hardware - my boot just slipped out from underneath me and I plopped upon my right arm and side, and somehow twisted my back. I do believe it's all just bruised and turned muscles, not bones, but I do worry a bit about damaging the new pair of hips. Just enough to make them misalign, that's my worry.

The rain, the culprit, though is still very much my friend. It's been delightful to be out in the damp moist air, and especially nice feeling so secure while driving Spencer during the few hard downfalls... four wheel drive and an adjustment to a tighter suspension make driving Spence a pleasure - and the bonus is he's so safe!

Well, I'm tired and bruised, yes for real, and I'm off to crash a bit.  My only advice is don't be cocky when some cute guy smiles at you - 'cause God will drop you on your ass for humility really darn quick

Photos: Central Park in the Snow

Stormy Weather

It's raining hard this morning in Los Angeles. I always see the rain as a great blessing, and the heavy clouds seem like a great warm comforter dropped low across the earth's four poster. I hear the automobiles zooming past on Crescent Heights and the swish of tires through standing water. 

Growing up in Arizona, in the desert, any change from heat was so welcome. And, so, in August and September, when the monsoons would arrive, I was in heaven. We had a pair of great old cottonwood trees in our yard, and as the autumn came the leaves would turn bright yellows and golds and fall upon the St. Augustine grass of the lawn. The big sticky leaves would crunch beneath my bare toes and, except for the occasional pyracantha stem hiding it's thorns amongst them, it was marvelous to wildly tear through the sea of leaves. 

The moment a storm would arrive, and the skies went hazy and gray, a wind would blow up the leaves. I remember tearing off my shirt to feel the new coolness and running, helter skelter, arms waving all about, across the yard kicking up the golden crunchy carpet. I'd throw myself down eventually, and roll about, wrapped in a blanket of old gold, and watch the storm clouds rush swiftly overhead. The starck, white and gray branches of the cottonwood would sway in the wind, shedding their last few stalwart fronds, and even strips of bark, as they wrestled Zephyr in his angst.

New York had wonderful storms, filled with rain, sleet and snow! I would often take the No. 7 to the City and go up to Central Park in the rain and or snow. My best memories are of that park in storms - and the snow would blanket the grounds and monuments and trees with a depth of peace I couldn't believe.

Too fast, too swiftly, the storms would pass and the terrible heat would try to return, though it would eventually leave us for winter, such as it was. So, those few days each year when water and wind would change the world for me were precious. A breathing time, a time to live and thrive, those blustery marvelous days. I love them still, they are still too rare and fair. 

There and Back Again

Well, it's been forever since I posted anything here, and without any particular reason. Life has just been incredibly messy the last six or seven months and writing about politics or even personal matters has been the least of my concerns.

Christmas and New Years 2007 have come and gone and everything is changing and topsy turvy. Mom and Dad are hanging on despite their health. No news from any of the siblings. Even most of our friends seem to have dwindled away. perhaps lost n their own Financial troubles and emotional storms have swept away so many of those whom I had counted upon. The Church in her apparent wisdom has condemned my family as intrinsically evil - and sadly that freedom of speech seems to have encouraged so many, including strangers, to liberate themselves even from common courtesy towards Mark and I as a couple. 

Yet, I feel closer than ever before to my spouse, Mark. The hardships, I suppose, had two possibilities: either to confirm and strengthen our love or show that we had lost our connections. The peace I feel at the veracity of our love, especially in the face of adversity, is a great consolation. 

I wish I knew how to find that with my sister and brothers. I have at least managed to reestablish. I had finally asked them, after a long period of fear regarding the answer, whether they believed that the Church had stumbled in its inability to reach out the Gay community. I really thought that They would tell me the Church was right, but to my surprise they expressed such love for Mark and me, and a deep and genuine sorrow that those whom should exemplify Christ's love could sweepingly categorize us as wholly evil. Their support has given me so much joy and confirmed my belief that Christ's Vicar has misspoken and caused great harm to many, many loving men and women.

As the elections approach I pray that we will see a Democrat in office; we must move away from the Republican approach to government, which unfortunately has become theocratic, bigoted and non-inclusive of whole segments of American society. The ideals of freedom of religion and speech have been confused and muddied with a repressive form of fundalmentalism which wants to sweep away any idividual thought or way of life which it fears. The very mortar of our foundation is failing, not from the supposed erosion of family values by Gays and Lesbians, but from the deep seated hatred of the very persons whom decry Gay and Lesbian lives and families. Whom could believe that laws preventing homophobic abuse of school children would be decried as an encouragement to thwart religious belief? 

Additionally, stalwart idealolgy of Republican thought have been trampled by the current administration, including economics and even private gun ownership, now under threat by Bush and his cronies. It would not surprise me to see an attempt to order martial law prior to the elections, trumped up by some threat to our security. Any attempt to do so is, to me, a certain sign of Mr. Bush and his family and friends deliberately subjugating the Constitution for personal power.