Drawing a Line in the Sand

School Bullying is defended constantly by many men and women, mostly parents and teachers, who say it is simply a part of the right of passage to adulthood. If you can't make it through some teasing in grade school and high school, how are you going to make it through life?

I've thought a great deal about their perspective because I was one of those kids who was bullied - all the time. Everyone says how cruel kids can be, but it seems to always be said with a bit of nonchalance, even smug pride, because the persons I've known who express these beliefs most often seem to be the parents and authority figures who have adolescents who do this horrific bullying. And, my gosh, it's almost a point of pride to know your kid is aggresive enough to be doing the bully bit and not receiving it - they're practicaally ready to follow Mommy and Daddy into corporate America, right?

No, my observation is not a scientific study, it's just based upon my own experience.

"Oh, come on, toughen up", I was told. Or, to my parents, "Donnie is just too sensitive!". There seemed a multitude of excuses for allowing and/or not interfering in this supposed 'ritual passage'. I learned quickly that bringing it to the attention of my parents or teachers resulted in simply being more clearly marked as a target. So, I stopped telling - it was bad enough without the lime-light of being further noted as a 'tattler.' I decided being called a 'pussy' and a 'cock-sucker' and 'faggot', amongst other nasty monikers, definitely trumped being followed after school, ambushed, beaten-up and having my things stolen. The only trouble being that lying low was no insurance policy of avoiding the latter.

The truth is that this is NO normal right of passage. It is a pack mentality of systematically rooting out group members who don't meet the fraternities code of 'uniformity'. We see it all the time in the animal kingdom. Those animals considered weak and ineffectual are abandoned, or, if they try to hang on at the fringes to survive, they are finally attacked and killed by their own kind.

Perhaps at this point you're thinking, oh here's another softy who thinks his childhood experiences uniquely terrible - and he's blown them out of proportion. After all, all kids go through this stuff. I say in return, not so. I was in fact one of the luckier ones - the ostracism and fear I dealt with were somewhat assuaged by delving into books and clinging to alone time filled with things I passionately loved. I hid in the pursuit of knowledge and used intellectual aloofness to ward off those whom I saw as dangerous. The trouble with withdrawl is that you lose the benefits of teamwork and comradery. And, not facing the attacks means I've never taken away the residual fear I've felt for years - even today at 49 years of age, 6' 2" tall and some 200 pounds I still find interacting with others difficult. How will they treat me? Will I be targeted again?

But this post isn't about me. Because when I was a kid all the other youngsters really understood is that I was somehow different. I had different interests and a different outlook on life, but neither they or I identified this difference with homosexuality until I was in my late teens. My parents had done a thorough job of eliminating homosexual references in media from our home - and those hints of queerness which slipped by were innocuous enough for me not to recognize them. I came into the adult world without a clue about sexuality and life and found adjusting to a heterosexual landscape a hormonal nightmare. If you were gay you lived in a closet. It's taken years to truly know that silence about one's sexuality cripples. As ACT-UP said it: SILENCE = DEATH! And AIDS isn't the only way to die.

Today, it's very different for most young gay men and lesbians. These children and young adults know what homosexuality is, and they often know when they are attracted to a member of their own sex what it may imply about their own sexuality. So do their peers. Imagine then how the 'bullies' must see this critical difference in a classmate and imagine what a misery they're going to make of that young person's life - even if they're not gay, just different. (Yes, that happens, too.)

Recently, in an attempt to pass two State bills (Florida and Iowa) which would require school officials, both teachers and administrators, to take steps to stop this type of verbal and physical abuse, some stories were told by parents of gay children. During the hearings Mrs. Debbie Johnson told of how her son, Jeffery, 15, hung himself because he simply could no longer face the relentless torment of his peers at school. Mr. Bobbie Bean, who's son was rushed to the ER in critical condition because of his classmates' beatings, (which began on the school bus and continued at school), caused severe injuries to the boy. Bean later told news media that "For 22 minutes of my life I had to sit there and watch that clock tick by, and I had to contemplate I was going to have to go home and tell my wife we didn't have a son no more," Yet many, many anti-gay adults see nothing wrong in their children's virulent anti-gay attacks.

This term called 'bullying' seems far too mild a word to describe what actually happens. 'Bully' conjures up old movies with the mischief of 'Little Rascals' or Judy and Mickey simply reasoning with a friends mildly anti-social remarks - and then they're all chums again and off to give a show. If you think that's what I'm talking about you're dead wrong. And so are a lot of young people.

I'm talking about broken bones, deep bruises, head traumas and living with the constant untenable knowledge that it may happen again... and again. And about verbal abuse so disturbing that self-esteem, so vulnerable at puberty, is often completely shattered. Don't be taken in by those who believe it's just a normal and edifying tradition we all go through. It is instead a brutal singling out of someone perceived as a 'threat' and doing everything possible, including even murder (Matthew Shephard) to eliminate this so called 'threat'. The deeply disturbing part is finding out that it is with great regularity that teachers and parents of these abusive young men and women will defend their pupil's/children's actions as acceptable and normal - that 'rite of passage' I spoke of previously. It would seem laughable to me to know that anyone could defend violence against a child that includes severe physical and emotional trauma - but it happens, daily. We cannot allow it be constantly dismissed simply because some of us fear that another childs homosexuality has an influence upon our children.* Aren't these parents really asking to have their fear and hatred codified as a normal, perhaps even exemplary, process to defeat what they believe is an immoral state of being?

The thing is we're not wild animals - we are not in some survival mode at school where those who are different create a risk for the greater group. We're human beings, with integrity and ethics and morals, who have evolved sufficiently to protect those of our families, friends and colleagues whom are different. If you are religious; Christian, Muslim or Jewish, it's even part of your creed. So, why is it so disturbingly common to find schools refusing to offer a safe environment for these children and young people whom are gay? Why does it take the passage of legislation (all of which has been fought with virulence by 'good' parents and 'righteous' school boards across the country) to change the atmosphere and allow a safe and supportive learning place for ALL students?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it? There is no one answer, I suppose. But there is one partial solution to the problem: we can stop encouraging the unethical behavior by advocating punitive action against the perpetrators. If it takes a law with penalties for schools and parents who ignore the abuse, so be it. It seems that it should simply require notifying an administrator or teacher that verbal and physical abuse is dangerous and that gay students have the same basic rights to be safe to learn.. Yet, informing those responsible for gay kids safety has proved not to work, time and time again. It apparently takes the legal pressure of financial sanctions, recording anti-social intimidation in student and employee records and forcing policy violators mandatory attendance at education classes about tolerance.

If it takes a step by step legal process to fight this reckless emotional and physical abuse, school by school, district by district, we can do so. It will change the prevalent attitude that these abusive actions and their deliberate oversight is non-consequential. Laws are a powerful deterrent - they may never change the heart or mind of those whom believe their prejudice is justifiable, but these laws will do much to stop these attacks when school's and parent's pocketbooks and permament records are liable to be forfeit for the cruelty and injuries inflicted upon young gay men and women.

Support local and national efforts to make schools safe for everyone, please. Your speaking out will save lives. Every precious and beautiful queer child lost to us leaves a gaping hole in the societal diversity which makes us strong. Report abuse to Llamba Legal, the ACLU or an attorney whom has a track record of student rights advocation.

*Persons with deep religious reservations concerning homosexuality have in our Country have a Constitutional right to the expression of their faith-based belief, but the Constitution does NOT allow anyone to advocate violence, verbal or physical, towards any person or group, including gays and lesbians. Religious Freedom works both ways. One is free to believe in God, church, doctrine and tradition; but it must be remembered that the Constitution equally protects our right to reject and not believe in any or all religious practice. We are never entitled to verbally insite violence or to physically injure, maim or kill those with whom we disagree. While one may believe God hates homosexuality, one may also sincerely believe God does not hate homosexuality.** I imagine if God hates at all, He hates the violence a great deal more, for His greatest commandment is to Love.

If you are Christian, as am I, you may recall the account of the stoning of the prostitute. Many believe the prostitute was Mary the Magdalene. Christ, appearing at the scene of the execution, made it very clear that those committed to the killing bore no fewer sins, nor any less responsibility for their sins, than this woman sentenced to a brutal death. The fact that the sin of which the Magdalene was accused was likely sexual in nature should, it seems to me, be particularly inspirational to anyone whose platform is that being Gay and sexually active is some unfathomable abomination - not just a difference of genetics or upbringing but a choice to do evil. As Jesus demonstartes with His actions to save the Magdalene, prostitution is in God's eyes a sin no more grave than the mob's rage which permitted attacking and killing the woman. If this were not so, would He have asked of those gathered there whom among them was without sin? It seems to me unlikely that all the sins Jesus inscribed in the sand were sexual in nature. ( Sexual sins being particularly grave in our eyes) So, what transgressions were revealed? They were serious enough to cause visible shame and the hurried exit of many people present. I have often wondered if 'hatred' was not rather prevalently written in the sand.

What did Christ actually scratch that day upon the dry earth of Judea? I do not know. What I do know is that it means this: it is God's right, and His alone, to decide what is a sin and to declare to what justice is for any person. His justice for the Magdalene was forgiveness for her transgression, not injury. Importantly, it is not recorded that she first asked for this forgiveness, rather Jesus gave it to her freely at a time when she must have been in a state of sheer terror for her life. And more importantly, it is only Mary and Jesus who know the sin for which she was actully forgiven. Was it the sexual act itself, of selling her body, or was it her loss of faith in the reality of intimacy and love - certainly a common result of marketing one's self-esteem.** We do know it was her acceptance of God's Intimate Love that day which changed her heart, for her tears washed Jesus' feet to demonstrate her humble conversion. Unique among men, Jesus, as Man and God, alone knows the heart of each of us. As a Christian I am asked to follow this example and refrain from judgement of others, Gay men - and Evangelicals both.

** (You may preach against homosexuality from the pulpit, but no one may use that pulpit to instruct a congregation on how to vote. Report churches which do so to the IRS. Be specific about when, where and whom said you must or should vote for a certain bill or candidate. Churces are tax exempt because they are not political advocay groups.

***I have found in my own spiritual journey that it is not sexual intercourse in and of itself which has caused me separation from God, but rather my failure to preserve this unique and, I think, sacred, physical expression of love with someone whom I hold and treat as a whole person, and with whom I am willing to be open in mind, spirit and heart, as well as body. This has mainly been found for me in my marriage to Mark. Mark is almost the only person I have ever found sex to be joyful and affirming because he is whom I have been best capable of giving myself without seeking gratuitous gratification foremost. But even though this is my experience I will not allow myself to say that God has not reached others, Gay or heterosexual, in other physical relationships, even if I cannot understand them. It is hardly easy to be humble enough to believe that God's Love can be so universal and magnanamus for each and every being He created that He can forgive what I as a man sometimes cannot. We must, absolutely must, allow only God to judge the hearts of others, allow Him to actually be omnipotent and to say to ourselves Thy Will Be Done. .

Lambda Legal's Help Desk: 212.809.8585 or 866-542-8336) LEGALHELPDESK@lambdalegal.org.

Nasty Papal Politics

The Pope is at it again. Today for the second time in a week, the Roman Catholic Pontiff has attacked lesbian and gay families demanding that government stop recognizing civil unions and marriages, as well as advocating strongly by pressuring politicians and the Catholic people to vote against such equality legislation.

While in America the Pope has the right to free speech in many parts of Europe the legislation for hate speech has been broadened to include GLBT people as many believe there is a direct correlation between verbal attacks and physical violence against our community. The Pope is extremely careless in reiterating the importance of treating gays and lesbians with respect and dignity, and to demand that we as a community are able to work and live where we choose without fear of retaliation from employers and landlords.

France has fined a French politician, a member of President Jacques Chirac's ruling UMP, who did in fact declare gays and lesbians to be "inferior" to heterosexuals and that it is "dangerous for humanity if it was pushed to the limit" to recognize gays and lesbians in any respect. Fined nearly $6000.00, $4000.00 as the penalty ad $2000.00 in court costs, Christian Vanneste has vowed to take it to the EU court of appeals where it is expected that he will lose. Perhaps these sort of punitive damages will help create the same lack of tolerance for verbal abuse of gays and lesbians - just as disparaging Jewish and Black people is simply not tolerated.

However, when Churches and their leaders continue to use their religious freedom to consistently punish the gay community for simply being it is hardly surprising that we see numerous individuals and groups, such as Fred Phelps and the killers of Matthew Shephard who simply believe they are doing God's work to murder us. Just as we have put in place strong laws to protect the doctors who perform abortion we must put in place these same legal protections for all Gay, Lesbian, Bi sexual and Transgendered persons. It is not about extra rights or special privileges - it's about sending a clear message that no matter what your faith may teach you cannot disparage or injure or murder those whom disagree with your point of view.

As concerns these Churches involving themselves in politics and demanding their members vote as they direct it is opposed by the Church itself. The 1970's in South America saw priests and bishops routinely chastised for their attempt to politicize the terrible abuses by dictators to the common people, including abductions and murders, to be against the teaching and purpose of the Church. Such activity was considered to be well outside of the Churches authority as her place is simply to guide and teach, not finance and secure votes for a particular political party.

Shame to the Pope for his willful disregard for the safety and civil rights of Gays and Lesbians. We too are the People of God, and those of us who seek in good conscience to live a committed and monogamous relationship should be supported, not ostracized.

Roller-Coaster Rides, the Religious Right and Our Own Talent at Critical Thinking - or why we Need 'Roe vs. Wade', Even if You Hate Abortion

AS the new Democratic Congress works towards highly appropriate and long overdue changes to Republican ramrod policies we must not only concern ourselves with Iraq and the War. There are many areas of harm which Mr. Bush and his cronies have inflicted on us in their propagandized laughable idea of bipartisanship.

I am of course particularly concerned on this anniversary of the 'Roe vs. Wade' Supreme Court ruling which hinges, not on abortion, as many believe, but upon the far more basic concept of the right to do with our own bodies what we believe is right and proper. Which distilled to its essence is simply our Right to Privacy. Does the Government have the right to tell you, me or any individual what to do or not do with our own bodies? The answer to protect us all is an emphatic NO!

Yes, the debate about the Right to Privacy arose around the issue of abortion, but the law extends far beyond this one medical procedure. (A horrible procedure, by the way, which I do not agree with, to be on the record.) I will however, without fail, support t'Roe vs. Wade' because of the real issue at stake: a person's legal right to determine with his/her physician what is the best level of care for his/her health. If we allow the government to determine this for us we will soon find ourselves having to defend even our right to exist when we are no longer productive or viable in the eyes of the State - or worse, in the eyes of some well-meaning religious group dealing only in abstracts which believes it knows best for you and me.

The ruling is especially important as the groundwork for social change and legal equality for Gays and Lesbians. It facilitated the Supreme Court's prior ruling regarding sodomy laws to strike down the Texas sodomy law in 'Lawrence vs. Texas'. (The police entered a private home on the complaint of a hostile neighbor and found a male couple, in their own bedroom, having sex - and arrested them for sodomy. This despite the fact that no such intrusion was ever made in the case of sodomy in any heterosexual marriage, ALSO ILLEGAL UNDER THE LAW, ever, even in Texas.) In striking down 'Lawrence vs. Texas' the Supreme Court went on to say that this intrusion into any person's private sex life, gay or straight, assuming it is between consenting adults, is wholly noncompliant with the rights guaranteed us in the Constitution - and therefore effectively struck down all sodomy laws still left on the books in about two-thirds of our States.

These rulings, 'Roe vs. Wade' and 'Lawrence vs. Texas', also rightfully prevented negating the contractual rights and obligations of marriage between husband and wife in the famous, or infamous, and very tragic case of Terry Schiavo and her husband. When Terry's parents attempted to invalidate the Shiavo's marriage vows it was the Schiavo's, but also our own, right to privacy which ultimately prevented even the Governor of Florida, Jeb Bush, as well as President Bush, from wrongfully wresting control of the couple's marriage vows and effectively saying your rights over your wife's and your own wishes, mutually agreed upon, to not prolong artificially supported life can be circumvented by ANYONE who feels their religious beliefs or ethics are paramount to your own. What a horrific legacy that would have left all of us; should Terry's parents have effectively nullified their daughter's wedding vows in their own grief and loss, they would have successfully nullified all marriage contracts.

I do not pretend that these are not gut wrenching horrific decisions being made about peoples lives. Unfortunately, our media only zooms in on the painful human drama and rarely explains the actual legal precedent which someone is challenging. I often pray that I will not have to make such a choice for myself or my loved ones. But I do know this about myself implicitly: it is I who want to make that decision for myself! (I have a health care directive and Mark has instructions from me, just as I have them for Mark.) It is our right to make that decision - not Jeb's or Dubya's. So we are safe from having my family or Mark's family interfere with our wishes because of their religious or ethical view, or emotional reaction. It is not granted them... YET.

If new Chief Justice Robert's were to pursue a reversal of 'Roe vs. Wade' you're not going to find abortion disappear. But you will find your right to save your wife's life; where and with whom you choose to insert your penis during sexual intercourse; and your decision to not prolong artificial life support all nullified; along with, I'm certain, any number of rights of which I'm not aware.

Do not give away your right to choose to control your body to the State! Ever! It will always snare you for some unforeseen slaughter of your own ethics and morals anyway. It is a terrible and awesome (and I believe God given) responsibility to have to make each life and death decision for ourselves and those we love. It's called being an adult. No doubt it seems easier to have a blanket solution enshrined in law, but we Americans are a strong, rational and loving people. If we make a wrong decision in the eyes of God, but honestly do our best to choose ethically and morally, than it is my belief that God will find our taking responsibility to make the hard choice ourself of far greater moral value than simply enacting a law which can never, ever deal with people as individuals. Nor each individual situation - different in every aspect from the last person's situation and the next person's - and ultimately neccessarily worthy of our individual investment. Just as God has made that same individual investment in you and me.

So, please, the next huge moral crisis regarding America's horrific downfall into moral depravity which the Religious Right and their lapdog, the GOP, throw your way via the media - STOP! THINK! Take a deep breath, look beyond the human agony they tell you is there to see and dig for the other truth, and the human agony just below the surface, which they think we're not smart enough to understand or make up our own minds about in an ethical and moral way. And then, don't let them make it a law for YOU on the roller-coaster ride of THEIR emotional whim. I repeat, embrace and cherish your ability to choose wisely, remembering this: it is only the bully or the weak minded and fearful person who needs to tell you what to believe, how to think and why their choices absolutely HAVE to be YOURS.

Resolutions Resolved?

The Time of Resolutions is here again and it usually depresses me. I want to make my New Year resolutions because it seems like such an immensely helpful and determinedly healthy manner in which to weed out those pesky wild growing failures, leaving your heart and mind cleaned up, fertilized and ready to plant from a huge selection of items: just as seed packets, with grand Latin names and lovely pictures, show you how magnificent your newly freshened planting bed is going to be soon...

The idea that you can simply start all over, without any of the past clinging, is the reason, I muse, for so many failed resolutions The idea that trying for any improvement is hopless and soon lost on us as anything more than a grand amusement, a story for retelling at each party you attend, about just how really big your resolution/flop this year has been. (This often starts by the time you reach your third New Years Eve party - or the following days brunch - at the latest.)

And, so from this spot we give up on making any change whatsoever.

So, dear friends, this year I'm going for teeny tiny resolutions which I feel fairly certain are obtainable, and that may not shake my world - or my husband's for that matter - but which will, slowly and evenly over time, rebuild the the foundations for the sort of man I want to be, both for myself and the people I love. Yes, even for those people I meet by chance and have only a moments interaction with; so that all my relationships become healthier, stronger and deeper.

Most of my failings are of a personal nature best not shared, but, as an example, here is what I'm talking about. It has been years and years now that my so called 'Irish Temper' is something I unleash into the world on a fairly regular schedule! When I allow my temper to build up for days or weeks at a time, without finding resolution, I will with the accuracy of, well, an automatic watch, (I'm not as precise as a quartz movement at any rate!) spew forth the nastiest, meanest, uncompromisingly vicious streams of venom that I can muster. It's nasty and hateful and it actually even harms me.

My resolution? To break years of reacting like a charging bull in a mostly useless and often harmful manner and to find outlet for my anger in a way which is constructive, if at all possible. So, how will I do this? First and foremost with my therapist! Laugh if you will, but if I can talk about my anger with someone whom in impartial and fare I'm half way home. My sudden wretched dam-breaks of anger come in part because I just don't use spillways to take the pressure off the system. My therapist, then, is my first spillway. A kind man, an excellent physician, it is he whom helps me see what I'm staring down from the stiffest and most non-negotiable place and firmly guides me through the other 364 degrees of viewing the situation. Whew, just seeing my problem for different perspectives is a huge release. In fact, it often helps me to see that I am unjust in my anger - OR that the response I'm allowing is a bit over the top considering the infraction - like using a cannon for shooting tin cans along the fence! I've faced the anger, what generated the anger and I've evaluated the anger's worth. Whew!

But there are times when the anger I'm feeling is truly justified. What happens then? Well, in the past if I didn't wish to confront either the situation or the person involved, I would simply drink, or drug myself or run off and sleep with someone besides my love. These are all really negative reactions to a difficult problem - and usually one or all of them soon quickly becomes a huge problem of itself. I know.

So this past year, and now this new one of 2007, I resolve to deal with my anger. Notice, not to not be angry, but to grab the anger and examine it and then, knowing it's real value either chuck it or set about with this solution: confronting my anger and the person whom is involved.

It takes a bit of willingness to be completely honest about my anger. Quite frankly I've had loads of it for far too long, interrupting everything from my digestion to my sleep. When I look at this kind of anger I try to see my justification for my strong response, my culpability in the situation and the culpability of the person I'm angry with so deeply. I must have a firm grasp of these thoughts to try and talk with the person who's angered me; because that anger is usually walking hand in hand with pain and hurt, betrayal and mistrust. Yikes! All these emotions! No wonder I'd rather drink or shag!

No! Let's be grown up for a change. Choice number one is usually to go to the party whose hurt me and first try and learn about his or her situation, their anger and their ANGER. That can be hard to hear first of all, especially when you'll be looking at some of your faults. Once, though, I've heard it - and managed not to go into a full frontal attack for what's been said - yes, if I've got this far, well it's become possible to tell whomever it is I'm speaking with about my feelings, my ANGER and how I'd really like to not be missing out on their lives, their families and their love for me.

So, will I succeed? Maybe not all the time, for pride, however false, can be terribly difficult to let go - but even if my resolution only gets as far as my first spillway - my therapist - well, I'll have built on my resolution; I haven't trashed the resolution as too difficult and I earn the peace of mind to know that I'm not stuck in the same spot any longer. The sail is mended and the wind is changing the flat placid sea and I, yes I.... am moving...

SAVE EQUALITY in MARRIAGE

GO TO THE BOSTON GLOBE BY CLICKING THIS POST"S TITLE

Today, the Massachusetts Legislature will have a choice one more time to vote or not vote to allow a public referendum on this State's High Court ruling allowing same same marriage.

To date, the Legislature has recessed (nobly) to squash the vote from being made public. It is my opinion that the High Courts ruling means this, and this is what the Legislature has been attempting to do with it's own actions: that the rights of the few (GLBT people as the minority) MUST BE PROTECTED and given the same set of BENEFITS as their heterosexual counterparts, (in this case a majority of religiously fueled zealots).

To allow a public vote Massachusetts faces a reversal of the historic law of equality for all adult non-related couples to marry and receive the same responsibilities, benefits and obligations that heterosexuals now possess.

The opposition to this equality movement comes in its majority from religious organizations, particularity in Mass. headed by the strong presence of the Roman Catholic Church and the Religious Right, spearheaded in this drive by one of their organiizations, Focus on the Family, pressuring from the outside State of Colorado. (All this while polls show support into the 60's percentile that Massachusetts citizens are well adapted and accepting of the 2004 law allowing the State's same sex couples to marry...

My opinion is that if FOF and it's umbrella groups can help force the Mass. Legislature to act than so can we.

Please call and e-mail the Mass. legislature and call and write the Boston Globe - NOW - and request that as a progressive State, Mass., will remain open to GLBT equality and refuse to allow a public vote on some very personal spousal and parental rights. If you are a same sex spouse or a same sex parent you know that this is a call for you know! A reversal in Mass. means that a vote in New York, California or New Jersey - and where ever else we may have the ability to win the next round - will be severely diminshed.

There is an historical precedent to protect a minorities rights over the greater publics. Just in the last centry we watched this happen with the Women's movement for the Right to Vote, and throughout the sixties we wached African American brothers and sisters struggle to have the laws they'd won hard enforced, this case presents the same basic arguments and is simply a retelling of the Old Testament parabel of The shepherd, David, and his Goliath.