A dear and generous friend has reminded me today that God often chooses for us where we are 'planted' in life and asks only that we 'bloom' in that unique spot. I am reminded of the parable of the seeds: we all land on different soils. Some are rocky and some are rich and fertile - yet we are still asked to bear fruit. (Whew! Is there one original sentence in there!)
I mention these bibical parables, despite jumbling at least a couple together, for I have recently had to close the door to a relationship which means a great deal to me. It is not easily done, for I genuinely respect and love this person. And I believe to some extent this person attempts to love me; but can't quite.
You see, when one loves a person one knows that this person has failings; sometimes lifelong failings which are not easily changed or resloved. This is true of all persons no matter the arena of the fault. But this is all blah, blah, blah. Anyone with life experience who attempts to have even minimal self knowledge understands this, don't they?
So, why must one resolve with some people to say "No more, not again. Good-bye"? There is only one reason. The individual you are leaving can never see anything that is good or decent in you. You can never earn their respect and you will never receive their genuine love. They may proffer a hand, but it is only there to explore whom you are, for a time, until they can find the reason why they cannot forgive you, trust you or love you. When such a person reveals this to you about their motives you must, I believe, cut that person out of your life. The relationship is cancerous and can never bring about anything healthy, creative, vibrant or loving. One simply finds oneself constantly having to defend and explain ones core being - and more than that, and this is what is crucial - always finding that this person sees nothing, absolutely nothing beautiful in that essential you.
You have no control over this person's views or beliefs about you. When the beliefs are set, they are set. Like cement. It is something like the cliche of the 'first impression'. Their impression is negative and always shall it be. And, so, when you realize that is how an individual now sees you, when you misstep and the reaction is an all out lethal attack upon you, I believe in a swift retreat. Surgery, if you will. You must end the relationship. Cut quickly and well.
It is painful to do so, but you must sever the tumor or you will probably not survive. Worse, though, that you do survive and utterly surrender to being damaged. Capitulate to what someone else believes you to be: the least and most repugnant person a mind can create? If you allow this circumstance for yourself, if you come to believe what others say you are you will vanish. The person in you whom is good and decent, who tries to better his faults, who is special, loving, creative, genuine and unique will indeed die. The relationship has become diseased and all the explanations, pleadings and hopes for understanding of whom you are and desire to be will fall upon that rocky soil.
Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and run. Run to the arms of those who believe in you, even when you stumble and make a fool of yourself; there you will find both hands outstretched to lift you up and bring you near and embrace you fully, without reserve. Those people are your family, even if you share not one drop of the same blood.
It is not easy to see through another's faults, to be fair, especially if those faults have injured you, perhaps deeply; but to be a friend, a parent, a brother or sister or spouse - to truly love another person - you must. When you can no longer see the good of a person, well, than you no longer can offer them life or hope. Despair is a hellish legacy, as we are taught, literally.
I believe that the few individuals I have had to leave behind for my own sanity are good men and women. They have their own struggle with belief in themselves, just as I do. I may well have failed them - failed to help them to see the very best of themselves. I am deeply sorry for this and I ask their forgiveness. I should not wish and do not want to injure anyone in such a manner. Please forgive me, if any of you are reading this now.
But also please know that no one, neither you or I, can spend a lifetime apologizing for whom we are by nature and personality. None of us can ever know all another person has experienced which makes them whom they are today. Perhaps those who manage to love us as we are can somehow understand and see enough of our journey to say:
"Wow! That fellow is a pretty amazing and marvelous guy, despite this and that, and I really WANT and NEED them to be a part of my life!"
I believe that is the requirement of loving someone. It doesn't happen nearly as often as you might think. And it doesn't happen just because you may be related. That, of course, is the most painful reality. We grow up believing that as part of a family we will always be loved by our own blood relatives. Not so, not even possible. The first time that ever 'hit home' for me was the day I first saw the film, Ordinary People. The primary character, a young man, unloved by one of his parents because, well, just because, despairs and attempts suicide. His phsycatrist tells him something to this effect: "Don't blame her for loving you as much as she is able." In other words, it is her limitation, hers alone. He cannot change her, no matter how much he wishes to be loved by her. This is the truth for each of us. We can none of us alter another's perception of whom we are, only they may choose to do so.
I would like to believe, and do hope, that nothing is impossible to change. I believe that Christ can bring about the seeming impossible. I am open to it, I hope. But for now I find myself overly vulnerable to some people; my own belief in myself is fragile and my self-esteem is easily crushed. When you are told over and over agin that you have little intrinsic value you may well begin to belive it - we far too often become what we are told we are. Presently, I see my own failings as if they are great flashing neon lights, blinding me to any other reality about my person. The people I allow in my life now must be those who see beyond my obvious and many faults and perceive the man of worth beneath. He is there, too, I'm told. I need to believe in him. I want to see him bloom.
I mention these bibical parables, despite jumbling at least a couple together, for I have recently had to close the door to a relationship which means a great deal to me. It is not easily done, for I genuinely respect and love this person. And I believe to some extent this person attempts to love me; but can't quite.
You see, when one loves a person one knows that this person has failings; sometimes lifelong failings which are not easily changed or resloved. This is true of all persons no matter the arena of the fault. But this is all blah, blah, blah. Anyone with life experience who attempts to have even minimal self knowledge understands this, don't they?
So, why must one resolve with some people to say "No more, not again. Good-bye"? There is only one reason. The individual you are leaving can never see anything that is good or decent in you. You can never earn their respect and you will never receive their genuine love. They may proffer a hand, but it is only there to explore whom you are, for a time, until they can find the reason why they cannot forgive you, trust you or love you. When such a person reveals this to you about their motives you must, I believe, cut that person out of your life. The relationship is cancerous and can never bring about anything healthy, creative, vibrant or loving. One simply finds oneself constantly having to defend and explain ones core being - and more than that, and this is what is crucial - always finding that this person sees nothing, absolutely nothing beautiful in that essential you.
You have no control over this person's views or beliefs about you. When the beliefs are set, they are set. Like cement. It is something like the cliche of the 'first impression'. Their impression is negative and always shall it be. And, so, when you realize that is how an individual now sees you, when you misstep and the reaction is an all out lethal attack upon you, I believe in a swift retreat. Surgery, if you will. You must end the relationship. Cut quickly and well.
It is painful to do so, but you must sever the tumor or you will probably not survive. Worse, though, that you do survive and utterly surrender to being damaged. Capitulate to what someone else believes you to be: the least and most repugnant person a mind can create? If you allow this circumstance for yourself, if you come to believe what others say you are you will vanish. The person in you whom is good and decent, who tries to better his faults, who is special, loving, creative, genuine and unique will indeed die. The relationship has become diseased and all the explanations, pleadings and hopes for understanding of whom you are and desire to be will fall upon that rocky soil.
Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and run. Run to the arms of those who believe in you, even when you stumble and make a fool of yourself; there you will find both hands outstretched to lift you up and bring you near and embrace you fully, without reserve. Those people are your family, even if you share not one drop of the same blood.
It is not easy to see through another's faults, to be fair, especially if those faults have injured you, perhaps deeply; but to be a friend, a parent, a brother or sister or spouse - to truly love another person - you must. When you can no longer see the good of a person, well, than you no longer can offer them life or hope. Despair is a hellish legacy, as we are taught, literally.
I believe that the few individuals I have had to leave behind for my own sanity are good men and women. They have their own struggle with belief in themselves, just as I do. I may well have failed them - failed to help them to see the very best of themselves. I am deeply sorry for this and I ask their forgiveness. I should not wish and do not want to injure anyone in such a manner. Please forgive me, if any of you are reading this now.
But also please know that no one, neither you or I, can spend a lifetime apologizing for whom we are by nature and personality. None of us can ever know all another person has experienced which makes them whom they are today. Perhaps those who manage to love us as we are can somehow understand and see enough of our journey to say:
"Wow! That fellow is a pretty amazing and marvelous guy, despite this and that, and I really WANT and NEED them to be a part of my life!"
I believe that is the requirement of loving someone. It doesn't happen nearly as often as you might think. And it doesn't happen just because you may be related. That, of course, is the most painful reality. We grow up believing that as part of a family we will always be loved by our own blood relatives. Not so, not even possible. The first time that ever 'hit home' for me was the day I first saw the film, Ordinary People. The primary character, a young man, unloved by one of his parents because, well, just because, despairs and attempts suicide. His phsycatrist tells him something to this effect: "Don't blame her for loving you as much as she is able." In other words, it is her limitation, hers alone. He cannot change her, no matter how much he wishes to be loved by her. This is the truth for each of us. We can none of us alter another's perception of whom we are, only they may choose to do so.
I would like to believe, and do hope, that nothing is impossible to change. I believe that Christ can bring about the seeming impossible. I am open to it, I hope. But for now I find myself overly vulnerable to some people; my own belief in myself is fragile and my self-esteem is easily crushed. When you are told over and over agin that you have little intrinsic value you may well begin to belive it - we far too often become what we are told we are. Presently, I see my own failings as if they are great flashing neon lights, blinding me to any other reality about my person. The people I allow in my life now must be those who see beyond my obvious and many faults and perceive the man of worth beneath. He is there, too, I'm told. I need to believe in him. I want to see him bloom.
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