The Migration of Souls, Part I

Ah, moving day has arrived. Or at least exit day from this house. PTL! This has been the most dreadful experience: a house collapsing from neglect, a decree of 'slum lord' for the owner, forced repairs which we wallowed through, many repairs never done, a increasingly hostile landlord who intruded illegally many times, including allowing personal property to be removed without authorization - the police said I could issue an arrest warrant - I declined, but I have had serious second thoughts about that decision!

We've retained a firm which does only Los Angeles and San Francisco moves to New York. Specialists for this route who do not farm out any job, even storage. I hope that makes this move far easier than the last.

Presently, the men - who've all taken pains to express their straightness and virility in front of us, lest we molest them I suppose - are packing my good china and the few antiques that are left. I sit at my last little outpost - the Biedermeir hall table - and listen to the all too familiar crunch of paper and tape being being pulled from rolls. They say they may even have the truck loaded today! We've certainly downsized - there was a day it took three days to pack and two to load! Living with fewer things has been a blessing, though, I hadn't realized how much energy one's possessions demand. Or, rather more truthfully, I used to have the energy, the desire to care for all these objects. That is greatly waned after these two years of Mark's illnesses and recovery, as well as my own major health issues. There's only so much of ones self to spread about, and despite exercising and eating correctly, it hasn't increased. I think we've simply stayed the inevitable decline of our bodies from happening at a breakneck pace! Facelifts and tummy tucks on the horizon! (Those at least come almost free these days...)

I have managed to exclude from this move the accumulated detritus and debris of our eight months here. It's difficult to believe the amounts of extraneous nonsense one collects even unintentionally. The days when I collected deliberately being mostly gone have surely limited our misery at this moment.

I've heard from Jan Martin and Jessica via e-mail today, wishing us well. Such a lovely start, to be remembered, as we begin our new life far away.

The Judas Chair

Questioning of students began today at St. Thomas Aquinas Seminary in Missouri by Vatican officials. The question posed is whether the individual is or has ever been a homosexual. Welcome to the 21st century, we just leapt backwards four hundred years in ethics and morals.

Those being subjected to this line of questioning must surely find it to be hostile, demeaning and invasive. It assumes that homosexuals cannot keep a vow, which is untrue. And, since it seeks to blur the line between homosexuals and pedophiles and cause confusion regarding who is a danger to society and those who are not, it is deeply disturbing to me as well. Because to imply that every homosexual is a pedophile is too make the accusation that we are all criminals, for child molestation is punishable by law. There is huge ethical problem with this questioning, it calls to mind McCarthyism and Fascism to say the least. One may be excluded from a society because of the genetics of ones birth. America and the Church are supposed to stand against such libelous behavior, not instigate or participate in such scapegoating. If an individual is no longer judged by his or her own merits than what sort of society have we become? Do they ask if the the heterosexuals are pedophiles? Because that's what they are really asking those who are gay.

By the way, the original Judas Chair was a large pyramid shaped tower on to which the rectum or vagina of a 'heretic' could be slowly lowered in order to open them as painfully as possible.

Click on this posts title to be taken to the news article. Click on Judas Chair to take you to an article on torture during the Spanish Inquisition.

The Least of My Brothers

IF a gay man or woman is turned away from his or her faith, even when proscribing to the Churches teachings and remaining celibate, denied this vocation and also denied the companionship of marriage, given no spiritual support nor extended Christ's love through inclusion and is now persecuted by their Church when no sin has been committed even in the eyes of their Church, (rather like preemptive war, isn't it), than it becomes very clear that the moral and ethical evil committed is not that of the homosexual individual but of the Church's teaching authority even unto the Pope. The blanket condemnation of an entire minority who are homosexual from the moment they are thought of by God, and who are therefore of the same worth and value as any man conceived is the genuine 'grave moral evil'. If it is not recognized as such and is not spoken out against at every turn then all who are silent must surely bear a collective responsibility for the persecution and devaluation of these men and women. Let me be clear, the condemnation of homosexuals by the teaching magisterium of the Church is and will continue leading to the denial of basic rights to equal treatment under the civil law for homosexuals. The Church's position in the political arena influences not just religious authority but civil authority as well. In Western nations this may or may not be moderated by political battles, and may include and/or resurrect the denial of equal civil rights to homosexuals, (such as inheritance, visitation of a sick partner, access to housing, job safety - all of which are denied to homosexual Americans NOW in many parts of the country) and certainly there will be the continued increase of verbal and physical violence, morally justified to their practitioner by the homosexuals consistent and deliberate denigration of his or her person-hood by Church authority; and even more horrific we will continue to see in third world countries the unbridled escalation of state sponsored imprisonment, torture and execution. This is not acceptable to anyone who has any moral or ethical barometer of conscience, but without question most particularly if the conscience is formed by Judeo-Christian beliefs; the most basic tenant of our Christian Faith being that God is Love. Jesus expressly demonstrates time and time again in the New Testament His anger at the exclusion from the temple of all those deemed 'unclean' by the teaching authority of the Jewish hierarchy. His constant example was to show the world of His day in all His actions that no one was to be excluded from God's house. Yet, the present Church, in it's blanket condemnations, is taking what is the personal and individual journey for union with God by the homosexual person, determined by the Church's doctrine and the individual's faith and interior knowledge of good and evil, and undermining all hope for their life in Christ; even being so bold as to imply that such a life is now utterly unachievable. This is tantamount to saying that the homosexual is incapable of salvation. Why does the Church give such huge attention to homosexuality at this time? It is not seemingly a new emphasis on virtue: in general those who have failed moral obligations in divorce, abortion, infidelity, sex outside of marriage, etc. are not treated with the contempt with which the homosexual is now daily confronted. Partly it is because these men and women are asked to lead celibate lives and a huge number believe they have been called to service in the religious life which demands such celibacy. Estimates of 25% to 50% of clergy in the United States. As far as the Church is concerned this amounts to a potential financial risk of a proportion to devastate all its capital and investments, since more and more the clergy are subjected to civil laws, and civil courts continue holding the Church financially responsible. It is so easy to scapegoat homosexuals and say they are the problem. They are not. Child abusers, pedophiles, have been the problem. Homosexuality is not an equation for child molestation. The most important point I can make, however, is that of the men and women who continue to serve the people of God as a priest or religious, whom I know to be homosexual, are celibate and holy men and of great worth to their Faith and our Church. And therein lies the disservice to all of us. Christ, in His one act of physical violence, threw from the temple of His Father the moneychangers: His rage directed once again at those who kept the humble and disenfranchised from His Father's house.I

Autumn

Donnie, September 23, 2005

Les Femmes Fatales

The Treachery of Women

Afternoon of a Faun

Faun in Revery, after a Church plaster work, Italian, 17th century,
Pencil on Paper, 2001, D.Larson

In Harms Way: Everyone

My letter to Mark Morford, by now you know he's my hero, is below. You may access his latest column, as always, by clicking the title of this Blog Spot. Warning! Dire Times Ahead!



Dear Mark,

Yikes. I do still read your column, but we fell through the venerable class crack because of massive illness for both my partner and I, and fell to the less than venerable Medi-Cal set. We're clawing our way back - he just received a job offer in NYC after two years of therapy and surgery for a broken back. I'm still looking, after years of AIDS and bilateral hip replacement surgery (the necrosis caused by my anti-virals); at nearly 50 you wonder what the F**K you CAN do.

We watched in horror as a class division I thought didn't exist anymore except in rural backwards pockets unfolded in New Orleans. Intellectually, I new there was a divide, but it was different, not like the sixties and before - WE grew up in a civilized time, a time of equality and justice for all. Yet, now I was seeing it LIVE. The utter abandonment of an entire ethnic and economic block of people. You couldn't hide it. Did you see any white people on your screen? My African-American friends have all made it to a middle class or higher state of living, and they were shocked, too.

I sit here amongst the evidence of our former lives - a few antiques, some good china (no more dinner parties) and those Egyptian cotton sheets, becoming a bit threadbare and which we can't have pressed anymore. I used to bemoan my status change. Then I watched as our so called government simply washed its hands of a city full of people and I knew that was the same list I'm on: a liberal, social service using aging faggot who's only considered a liability in our new world of Bush. A truly scary place for a queer, if you see my point.

Maybe we'll make it back to a safer economic ground. Lord, that's what sheltered us before from harm. Maybe not. The point I think you're giving is this: we're on our own, be prepared, no one's coming to help. I already knew. I just keep wanting to believe it isn't true.

As I've navigated a health care system and a medical community which is often homophobic I've always taken a polite but full monty approach. "Do you have a problem with my partner and I being a couple?" Because if they do, they've been put on notice: I'm Out, don't tread on me. And if they're really afraid of gays they can decline - or we can - to go further. Of course, I still dust off the Zegna that's least out of style and use my best but not quite Oxford English, full sentences and no slang. It's an art pulling rank when there's no money to impress. And it's a sorry thing, don't you think, that I've had to at all? But you can't be humble and nice and expect cooperation when you're an indigent poof. I tried. Doesn't work. It's the way of this world. I just watched it on television.

D. Larson
Los Angeles

And the Greatest of These Is...

As a former seminarian of the Roman Church I was greatly distressed to read today that Ratzinger will agree to weed out seminarians, especially in the United States, who are gay and deny them the Sacrament of the Priesthood. Gay men are equally capable of keeping their vows of celibacy as any heterosexual. The heterosexual priests who have failed in their vow of chastity are not now attacked or condemned, nor are they blamed for their molestation of children, nor are they threatened with being defrocked. The denial of any of those with a true vocation to service will surely damage the Church, making her yet more vulnerable to attacks by the world. This is a witch-hunt and an attempt to point fingers at someone else for the child abuse scandal within the Church. Child molesters are documented to be attracted to children, all children, and it is not based upon their own sexuality. The largest percentage of molesters are heterosexual, yes, even in the Church. The Church willingly and deliberately blurs the distinction between molester and homosexual in order to insulate herself from lawsuits and to protect property. How very sad!

I realized that I was not called to the life of a priest in the Church and sought to find my role outside religious life. I do believe most men of any sexual persuasion are honest about their vocations and do the same. My friends who are straight with whom I went to school and who did not complete a religious vocation knew that another role of service awaited them as well. I also know they were as easily led astray by premarital sex as any gay man may be, and some sowed many 'wild oats' before settling down with a long term partner in life.

Additionally, some of these couples who were unable to procreate were still granted the comfort of a marriage bed. If one says all couples who are not fruitful must be celibate then where is the equality of the Church's law? No, it is only against same sex marriage. Is it not to then a ruse and another example of the false pride of the Church? I must argue the affirmative.

Witch hunts. My community, the GLBT community, is under attack from all conservative factions now. Why? We are now at our most visible in our demand for equal civil protections, rights and obligations from our country, America. Those who side against us now will one day read in history of their short sighted and mean spirited denial of civil equality for us. In the twenty-first century those who single out individuals and groups who are different and blame them for the calamities of nature and man are not of Christ.

If you believe in a God of pestilence, war, hunger and disease who smites from some great celestial throne those who are poor, disenfranchised, different - the outcasts of society - you haven't been reading your New Testament.

"If I speak with the eloquence of men or angels, but speak without love, I am simply a gong booming or a cymbal clashing. If I have the gift of prophecy, understanding all the mysteries there are, and knowing everything, and if I have faith in all its fullness, to move mountains, but without love, then I am nothing at all. If I give away all I possess, piece by piece, and even if I let them take my body to burn it, but am without love, it will do me no good whatever."

I Corinthians 13, 1-3

"When I was a child I, I used to talk like a child, and think like a child, and argue like a child, but now I am a man, all childish ways are put behind me. Now we are seeing a dim reflection in a mirror; but then we shall be seeing face to face. The knowledge that I have now is imperfect; but then I shall know as fully as I have known.
In short, there are three thing that last: faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love."

I Corinthians, 13, 11-13

Carpe Diem

Mark and I have just returned from a few days in Laguna Beach. It was the first time we've ever held each other on the beach and laid entangled in each others arms listening to the sea break on the shore. It was wonderful, marvelous, tap-dancing, show-stopping deliriously fireworks crazy love. All over again.

Photo Shop Games

French, Louis XVI Porphyry Vase with Gilt Bronze Mounts, Late Eighteenth Century, The Getty

Photos, D.Larson, 2005

The original digital photo from which the above pictures were developed, shot on location at The Getty Museum without a flash as required to protect the artwork. Click on the title of this blog entry and go to The Getty Museum!

Op Ed

This story is a whopper, as big as ol' Katrina, and as nasty as her aftermath as well. Mark Morford, my all time hero of the Op Ed has once again read my mind and with elegant and singular prose has told it like it is in America, the former Land of the Free and the past Home of the Brave. Click on the Title of this Blog to read his full Hurricane Force Wrath with our self serving Administration and their anti-women, anti-gay and anti-Black (especially them poor ones) policies.

New York! New York!

Mark has a possible position as marketing manager for a plastic surgeon in New York! I believe we're off to the Big Apple to investigate the offer and meet the doctor. Could I live in New York? Yes! I believe I could. Hope this gels. Hope Mark feels healthy enough to do the work. This is a major step after breaking his back and nearly two years of recovery.

If Wishes Were...

There are times when I see a photograph or two and they take me travelling, whisking me back in time, to some simple memory of happiness. Such a time I see now. I was sitting then in a small modernized living room of a middle seventeenth century rowhouse on the great Keizersgracht in Centrum, Amsterdam. Perhaps I romanticize it now, but I don't really think so, the memory is too delicious and clear. That first Christmas we were just barely settling into the apartment, the furniture had scarcely arrived from America, we'd purchased a few odd things in the Old City center and the room had an elegant sparseness which is not in my general design nature. The silk had been hung at the great windows facing the canal, and a few pieces of simple mahogany, a daybed and a table, a few Louis chairs, were floated on the grey plank floor. It was chilly, despite the new radiators heat and snow was falling steadily. The afternoon was late and already looked like evening outside, the light dim and blue. A perfect blue. I lit many candles and sat and watched the snow waft outside, the bare black trees, the dark canal and the row of houses opposite us slowly disappearing in the coming cloak of evening. The windows of our row house were very old, perhaps the originals. Coated heavily with chipped leaded cream paint they were huge blue eyes staring outwards. Some of the glass panes had been hand poured, distorting in a dreamy way the view, while others were modern and allowed a clear glimpse outside. I switched my gaze back and forth between the two types, enjoying for a moment the slight hypnotic distortion and then desiring the unobstructed clarity. Shifting between times. I pulled my sweater tight and curled up on the edge of the sleigh bed and dozed as the candles flickered. The cats moved in for warmth and we all three watched the snow, heard the wind echoing in the rafters, and took pleasure in the knowledge that we were bundled away from the storm and yet so close. A bit of glass away. I felt the occupants of another time sitting with me, watching the snow, their own candles burning. Harmony realized, a mystical deep peace which comes from being part of a continuum. As I dozed I came and went between centuries. I sit this morning in Los Angeles, as yet another perfect late summer day dawns, and I sorely miss the revery of that glorious winter evenfall - encapsulating a moment to which I wish I could return.

Jean le Troy

Jean le Troy, Reading Moliere, French, Oil on canvas, 1754

This is my favorite painting by le Troy, famous for his domestic scenes of aristocratic life. Here he represents a 'salon' where intellectuals gathered from the worlds of letters, arts and sciences, as well as society, to discuss all the latest ideas from each of their respective worlds.

SAVE AB 849 Governor

The Bill, AB 849, declaring GLBT Californians to have the SAME rights to marry as heterosexuals and which has been approved by the State Legislature, is in limbo with a promise of a VETO by the 'Governator'. Schwartzenegger has announced he's running for re-election. The GLBT community, dumbstruck and visibly angry at his about face on his promise to sign this legislation held a rally at his press secretaries announcement and strongly warned him that to veto the bill will cost him the GLBT vote in the coming election. The fact is ol' Schwartz doesn't need to sign the bill, but may simply do nothing and it will become law. We have two weeks to change his mind about the Veto. Let's all remind him that exactly the same percentage of Californian's are FOR Gay Marriage, 46%, as are opposed. This is a BLUE State, Sir, and you're treading thin ice with this community. The numbers show it's NOT the will of the people to deny us marriage - that 46% is a shift towards YES, not against. I dare you to accept the offer of any GLBT family to live their life with them for one day. We fight the same battles for education, medical care, work and a home as any other Californian, and we deserve to have equal rights, not special, not different, not more, just EQUAL. The State Legislature agrees and has passed Bill AB 849. Sign it, Gov.!

Jean Cocteau

Whenever I am Blue after seeing Red I look for familiar artwork which solidifies for me the value of gay men and women in this world. One of my favorite artists is Jean Cocteau - you may know him as the filmaker of the famous French telling of, La belle et bête; and rightly you should . It is a masterpiece but he offered so many other works in so many mediums including drawing. The laurel crowned youth above, with stars in his eyes, seem the fitting symbol for me tonight. A reassurance that all is with God's plan and despite my failings He will always succeed. Cocteau's life had so much personal search both intellectual and spiritual, much of which caused him great pain. But he had his love, Jean Marais, and I like to believe that when thosse swell evenings with the avant garde were finished, the champagne had stopped flowing and the collar stays were undone that the two could escape to their pied a terre and hold each other tight against an increasingly insane and war-torn world.

See a fine sample of his homoerotic works in this lovely book, available at Amazon.com, simply click the Title of this Blog

And A Loss

SEEING RED. The Governor will not sign the Bill. Another Republican asshole coward, says one thing and does another... Read the story. Click the Blog Title.

A Win for Equality!

Yesterday, the sixth of September, 2005 was a historic day in California. The California Legislature passed, if by only one vote, a bill granting equality in Civil marriage to same sex couples! (read the New York Times front page story by clicking the title of this blog). This is a milestone for our community, a group of legislatures, most of them heterosexual saw the genuine need for the equal treatment of ALL California citizens under the laws of our state. It is a right and just decision which sends a loud and clear message to the homophobic Bush Administration, the Neo-Conservatives ravaging our countries great secular political institutions with religious rhetoric, and those many groups and individuals who simply hate, whether through fear or misunderstanding or both. My faith in America is renewed in that the politically vulnerable and socially marginalized of our great country still find a voice in the halls of our law makers. This is how our system was intended to work all along, that the legislature and the courts prevent bias and discrimination , however popular among the voting public, towards the minority voice.

I understand that many people reject the civil rights of the GLBT communities based upon what their Churches have taught them. I will not argue with them concerning their beliefs. As Americans they have the right to believe as their Faith dictates, but they must also except and be glad that our country is not based on the interaction of Church and State, but its separation. Why? Well, just because there is a majority of fundamentalist Christians in the USA today does not promise that such will be the case tomorrow or in fifty years. No Christian would choose to be burdened with the religious beliefs of the the Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Wiccan or Scientologist point of view. Yet, that is the risk every time we fight to combine the powers of Church and State. We, none of us, know when the principal religious belief may shift in this country. Perhaps, you say it's far-fetched. I think not. I see a day when Christians may well be a minority in America and should that happen our establishing laws now which respect and treat all faiths with respect in the civil arena we promote the respect of Christianity in the civic realm as well.

If you cannot accept that two loving people of the same sex may live in the eyes of God as a just and holy couple, so be it. That is your right to believe the dictates of your faith. But please, don't confuse your faith with civil justice and equality. There will always be a new Gestapo or Ku Klux Klan, there will always be a new fascist or totalitarian state, there will always be a new Hitler or Mussolini. Please don't help bring them about in America with your religious belief being the tool of a new inquisition against a new heretic. Haven't there been enough witch hunts to last us all?

It is up to Governor Schwartzenegger to sign this bill and make it law. This is a man whose weaknesses are many. His family has ties to the Nazi and Neo-Nazi parties, he has posed nude in both gay and straight erotic publications, and we have given him the ability to hold many lives in his hands. Let us hope he will act with the same blind justice towards the GLBT community which has been granted him by the people of California.

Tidings One and All

My MAN is HoMe! YahOO!

Patrick Lucas

My friend, Patrick Lucas, is a talented painter. I'm very pleased to show you one of his latest paintings here on Drowning Antinous. Inquiries regarding his work may be made through this blog.

Charlie

This is a special posting for a special member of the Coffee Clutch - our, dare I say - Mascot. Charlie! Charlie is the beloved companion of Patrick. If you're on Charlie's good side you are in the groove, but beware if you're an outsider. Charlie has been known to bare his teeth as a reminder that you are not the center of his world. I think Charlie just doesn't like to show his vulnerable side, which is very soft, sweet and mushy!

Coffee Clutch Exposed!

Well, this group has forgone iced tea and decaf for the HARD stuff - yes, I mean Margaritas! Two for one. Of course I nearly blew the two-for-one because I was late. Late, never am I late, but a series of small catastrophes... well, no one cares. Only if we missed the cheap drinks!

I think we all had a great time, Sean had all the moves and along with Richard gave us a powerful set of show numbers at the end of the bar. Everyone was drooling, shamefully, over the Bacardi Tequila boys running about half naked. Our table tipped them the most and we were lavished in kitsch from key rings to shot glasses. (It was the palathering by the young gods we shamelessly adored the most)

RJ, Patrick, Michael and Sean hit the dance floor at Mickey's and grooved things up - Richard and I were the wet blankets back at the table - but, hey, someone had to watch the drinks!

All in all a good night out!

Chiron

One and one half years of training with a great friend and the VERY BEST TRAINER IN TH WORLD, Michael Piacentino, took me from 267 pounds, above to 197 pounds below. And a decent portion of my new weight is MUSCLE which is heavier then fat. Mike's bio will be added as soon as I get it from him. Call him, use him! He is able to take your willingness to change and support you with encouragement, learning to eat well and the correct excersies to lose fat while gaining muscle. I love this man! (Only in the appropriate way of course, or his lovely wife Amy would pound me!)

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Today, about three o'clock in the afternoon, my darling spouse will be ascending from LAX on British Airways and begin winging his way across North America on his trip to Brussells. He arrives at Heathrow, London and grabs a puddle-jumper to Belgium. And all those long flight hours will be miserable - for both of us. Poor Mark will be crowded and I'll worry he won't stretch and walk enough on board to prevent the deep vein thrombosis from returning; he in turn will worry about my being alone for several day here in Los Angeles, where our house is, but not our home. Funny thing, home. Our home is where we are together these days. I don't know any longer if I can thrive without this man, the most precious gift God has ever given to me. Were he not to be near me, his kind, gentle and steadfast manner reassuring - letting me glimpse at love, (it comes from his soul through his eyes, I think). It sounds sentimental and foolish, two grown men turning blue and maybe even tears when one of us wanders off - but so it is. The two shall become one, isn't that the scripture passage? I understand it so completely now. This good brave man who has been my friend, my counselor, a provider AND a needy twirp at times has an easily injured, tender heart worn just beneath his sleeve while showing the world his bright steel armor, the one he wears to fight life's battles. This deeply spiritual man of faith, who distrusts the religions of the world which mostly condemn us as a family, will always reach out with our last few dollars to help someone in greater need. This is the magnificent man whom I have been blessed to marry and whom I will stand before God with one day, thanking Him for giving to me the most precious gift of my life. Mark's love. Come right back home, baby.