Deep Blue, Violet Grey and a Blue Rhinoceros

Donald W. F. Larson, Blue Rhinoceros, 2003, oil on canvas
after a woodcut by Albrecht Dureer, 16"x22"

I've been in a deep blue state for three days now. Deep blue usually only lasts one day. The one who has to deal with it more than myself of course is, Mark, poor chap. He does his best to be helpful because he of course wants me to snap out of it quickly, yesterday is not soon enough. But, I don't choose its arrival, just like a Blue Rhinoceros bulldozes in and who is going to stop him at forty tons? Nor do I choose when the deep blue leaves. Rhino sets his own departure time, too. What I do do is keep to my routine, however much I don't want to do so, because it keeps me from the next stage which is black. Jet black. When the deep blue becomes this horrible it's difficult to cope. I feel as though I do all within my means to prevent the visits. I see my doctors, take the prescribed medicines, I exercise three time weekly at least, I have changed my diet - lost eighty pounds over the last year and a half - and am actually building muscles. It seem like I should be gung-ho, just like Rhino, for all the good things that have happened. And more and more I am, the deep blue comes twice a month or so now, not three or four or five. That's a help, but overall the blueness is present constantly. But, even when we're not deep blue we're almost always a shade of grey, with tinges of violet. I haven't seen a spring green morning or a daffodil yellow day for as long as I can remember. Not the sight of a Loved One or the contemplation of Art or Design, or Nature. Not even Gilt Bronze lures me with pleasure! It's fucked, just fucked. Yet, I'm heading out of deep blue and into violet gray, at this moment, or I wouldn't even have had the drive to type this ridiculous self-absorbed babble. Maybe tomorrow it'll be a silvery grey! Here's to hope. In the meantime my friend Blue Rhinoceros will keep me company for a little time.