The Time of Resolutions is here again and it usually depresses me. I want to make my New Year resolutions because it seems like such an immensely helpful and determinedly healthy manner in which to weed out those pesky wild growing failures, leaving your heart and mind cleaned up, fertilized and ready to plant from a huge selection of items: just as seed packets, with grand Latin names and lovely pictures, show you how magnificent your newly freshened planting bed is going to be soon...
The idea that you can simply start all over, without any of the past clinging, is the reason, I muse, for so many failed resolutions The idea that trying for any improvement is hopless and soon lost on us as anything more than a grand amusement, a story for retelling at each party you attend, about just how really big your resolution/flop this year has been. (This often starts by the time you reach your third New Years Eve party - or the following days brunch - at the latest.)
And, so from this spot we give up on making any change whatsoever.
So, dear friends, this year I'm going for teeny tiny resolutions which I feel fairly certain are obtainable, and that may not shake my world - or my husband's for that matter - but which will, slowly and evenly over time, rebuild the the foundations for the sort of man I want to be, both for myself and the people I love. Yes, even for those people I meet by chance and have only a moments interaction with; so that all my relationships become healthier, stronger and deeper.
Most of my failings are of a personal nature best not shared, but, as an example, here is what I'm talking about. It has been years and years now that my so called 'Irish Temper' is something I unleash into the world on a fairly regular schedule! When I allow my temper to build up for days or weeks at a time, without finding resolution, I will with the accuracy of, well, an automatic watch, (I'm not as precise as a quartz movement at any rate!) spew forth the nastiest, meanest, uncompromisingly vicious streams of venom that I can muster. It's nasty and hateful and it actually even harms me.
My resolution? To break years of reacting like a charging bull in a mostly useless and often harmful manner and to find outlet for my anger in a way which is constructive, if at all possible. So, how will I do this? First and foremost with my therapist! Laugh if you will, but if I can talk about my anger with someone whom in impartial and fare I'm half way home. My sudden wretched dam-breaks of anger come in part because I just don't use spillways to take the pressure off the system. My therapist, then, is my first spillway. A kind man, an excellent physician, it is he whom helps me see what I'm staring down from the stiffest and most non-negotiable place and firmly guides me through the other 364 degrees of viewing the situation. Whew, just seeing my problem for different perspectives is a huge release. In fact, it often helps me to see that I am unjust in my anger - OR that the response I'm allowing is a bit over the top considering the infraction - like using a cannon for shooting tin cans along the fence! I've faced the anger, what generated the anger and I've evaluated the anger's worth. Whew!
But there are times when the anger I'm feeling is truly justified. What happens then? Well, in the past if I didn't wish to confront either the situation or the person involved, I would simply drink, or drug myself or run off and sleep with someone besides my love. These are all really negative reactions to a difficult problem - and usually one or all of them soon quickly becomes a huge problem of itself. I know.
So this past year, and now this new one of 2007, I resolve to deal with my anger. Notice, not to not be angry, but to grab the anger and examine it and then, knowing it's real value either chuck it or set about with this solution: confronting my anger and the person whom is involved.
It takes a bit of willingness to be completely honest about my anger. Quite frankly I've had loads of it for far too long, interrupting everything from my digestion to my sleep. When I look at this kind of anger I try to see my justification for my strong response, my culpability in the situation and the culpability of the person I'm angry with so deeply. I must have a firm grasp of these thoughts to try and talk with the person who's angered me; because that anger is usually walking hand in hand with pain and hurt, betrayal and mistrust. Yikes! All these emotions! No wonder I'd rather drink or shag!
No! Let's be grown up for a change. Choice number one is usually to go to the party whose hurt me and first try and learn about his or her situation, their anger and their ANGER. That can be hard to hear first of all, especially when you'll be looking at some of your faults. Once, though, I've heard it - and managed not to go into a full frontal attack for what's been said - yes, if I've got this far, well it's become possible to tell whomever it is I'm speaking with about my feelings, my ANGER and how I'd really like to not be missing out on their lives, their families and their love for me.
So, will I succeed? Maybe not all the time, for pride, however false, can be terribly difficult to let go - but even if my resolution only gets as far as my first spillway - my therapist - well, I'll have built on my resolution; I haven't trashed the resolution as too difficult and I earn the peace of mind to know that I'm not stuck in the same spot any longer. The sail is mended and the wind is changing the flat placid sea and I, yes I.... am moving...
The idea that you can simply start all over, without any of the past clinging, is the reason, I muse, for so many failed resolutions The idea that trying for any improvement is hopless and soon lost on us as anything more than a grand amusement, a story for retelling at each party you attend, about just how really big your resolution/flop this year has been. (This often starts by the time you reach your third New Years Eve party - or the following days brunch - at the latest.)
And, so from this spot we give up on making any change whatsoever.
So, dear friends, this year I'm going for teeny tiny resolutions which I feel fairly certain are obtainable, and that may not shake my world - or my husband's for that matter - but which will, slowly and evenly over time, rebuild the the foundations for the sort of man I want to be, both for myself and the people I love. Yes, even for those people I meet by chance and have only a moments interaction with; so that all my relationships become healthier, stronger and deeper.
Most of my failings are of a personal nature best not shared, but, as an example, here is what I'm talking about. It has been years and years now that my so called 'Irish Temper' is something I unleash into the world on a fairly regular schedule! When I allow my temper to build up for days or weeks at a time, without finding resolution, I will with the accuracy of, well, an automatic watch, (I'm not as precise as a quartz movement at any rate!) spew forth the nastiest, meanest, uncompromisingly vicious streams of venom that I can muster. It's nasty and hateful and it actually even harms me.
My resolution? To break years of reacting like a charging bull in a mostly useless and often harmful manner and to find outlet for my anger in a way which is constructive, if at all possible. So, how will I do this? First and foremost with my therapist! Laugh if you will, but if I can talk about my anger with someone whom in impartial and fare I'm half way home. My sudden wretched dam-breaks of anger come in part because I just don't use spillways to take the pressure off the system. My therapist, then, is my first spillway. A kind man, an excellent physician, it is he whom helps me see what I'm staring down from the stiffest and most non-negotiable place and firmly guides me through the other 364 degrees of viewing the situation. Whew, just seeing my problem for different perspectives is a huge release. In fact, it often helps me to see that I am unjust in my anger - OR that the response I'm allowing is a bit over the top considering the infraction - like using a cannon for shooting tin cans along the fence! I've faced the anger, what generated the anger and I've evaluated the anger's worth. Whew!
But there are times when the anger I'm feeling is truly justified. What happens then? Well, in the past if I didn't wish to confront either the situation or the person involved, I would simply drink, or drug myself or run off and sleep with someone besides my love. These are all really negative reactions to a difficult problem - and usually one or all of them soon quickly becomes a huge problem of itself. I know.
So this past year, and now this new one of 2007, I resolve to deal with my anger. Notice, not to not be angry, but to grab the anger and examine it and then, knowing it's real value either chuck it or set about with this solution: confronting my anger and the person whom is involved.
It takes a bit of willingness to be completely honest about my anger. Quite frankly I've had loads of it for far too long, interrupting everything from my digestion to my sleep. When I look at this kind of anger I try to see my justification for my strong response, my culpability in the situation and the culpability of the person I'm angry with so deeply. I must have a firm grasp of these thoughts to try and talk with the person who's angered me; because that anger is usually walking hand in hand with pain and hurt, betrayal and mistrust. Yikes! All these emotions! No wonder I'd rather drink or shag!
No! Let's be grown up for a change. Choice number one is usually to go to the party whose hurt me and first try and learn about his or her situation, their anger and their ANGER. That can be hard to hear first of all, especially when you'll be looking at some of your faults. Once, though, I've heard it - and managed not to go into a full frontal attack for what's been said - yes, if I've got this far, well it's become possible to tell whomever it is I'm speaking with about my feelings, my ANGER and how I'd really like to not be missing out on their lives, their families and their love for me.
So, will I succeed? Maybe not all the time, for pride, however false, can be terribly difficult to let go - but even if my resolution only gets as far as my first spillway - my therapist - well, I'll have built on my resolution; I haven't trashed the resolution as too difficult and I earn the peace of mind to know that I'm not stuck in the same spot any longer. The sail is mended and the wind is changing the flat placid sea and I, yes I.... am moving...
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