The Vanity of Queens

I've been given the impression by a number of persons in the last few months that having being a homemaker and someone who has worked without public recognition or a substantial income for many years is somehow not "up to par". Well, just as my own bigotries get the best of me, as I think they do all of us at times, their is no shame in having been a parent to a chid not my own for seventeen years or providing her and her father with a home that was and is the best that I can make.

Despite this belief, apparently by many, that I have somehow led a life of luxury, and then not of my own hand, I will find that both are far from true. Mark and Joy would not have known the life they had with me if I were not the individual I am, having put to use the talents I have been given. Most of our 'wealth' was 'smoke and mirrors' and the devices I used to help make Mark successful and appear successful are the fruits of my own education; some public and much self-taught. Mark indeed brought in the bulk of, though certainly not all, the income we have had, and still every penny I have had in my name has been given to our household. But more than this is the time I gave, which did not allow for a viable outside career of my own; and this time was not wasted.

I have a spouse who, however misguided in his fondness for me, loves me more today than when we first met and is true to me. And I have a daughter who is beautiful and charming, well educated in all things of value: learning, faith, politics, arts, science, independent and critical thinking; wary of undo authority and loving and open as far as is sensible.

As with most spouses who stay at home I have observed in other couples who have both spouses working outside the home an attitude of jealousy for a life they seem to think is not arduous or challenging, but almost it apparently seems to them, must be an easy and undemanding existence of relaxation and amusement. I do not understand this thinking process, for whether one drives a Mercedes or a Ford, or lives in a great house or lowly apartment (and we've had both) the duties of running a home never end. My spouse wished for a home in which a parent was home at all times - and so I gave it to him.

I am proud of the works I have accomplished in my life, whether they are known to others or not. Yet the constant questioning regarding my lifestyle has led me to at least remind those who may see the grass as greener in my yard to remain content with what they have earned. I presume it is what they wanted. I certainly have labored for what I could never have hoped for and yet have indeed earned: a family of my own and a life full of treasured memories of embracing the world and what it has to offer.

I sometimes forget this space is not a diary of my own thoughts and frustrations, private from the world. Rather it is a open testament of how I have and do live. So, for those of you whom have seen the dark side of my person, the self pity and cruel parts of my nature, remember you may well have them in abundance yourselves; merely rearranged to support your own theory of how life is or should be; and what is right or wrong, kind or mean spirited, good or evil. Most of the failings we each have as individuals become a life long struggle to change.

I have learned to be caustic, untrusting and on the offensive against most of the world. That is a sad thing, yet at times it preserved my safety and the safety of those I love. Perhaps I shall do better one day, or perhaps not. Yet I will persist in the belief that I have done more good than harm and that recognizing my errors is more than most people e're achieve.

It is a sad thing to utter unkindnesses about others, yet perhaps it is not just simple bigotry but a knowing understanding of how you have and will be threatened and hated for whom you are by nature. It is a Christian belief to turn the other cheek - it is sometimes a survival technique to not - and sometimes I choose to survive.